I got to meet kurokage for the first time yesterday! He and I met in a photography community awhile back and just had to friend each other since we're both Austinittes. He's a really great guy and an amazing artist. He'll be having a showing in the upcoming months downtown because he is just that badass.

Today my bestest friend vie_rire_amour is getting married!!!!! I'm soso happy for her and her man, but I'm also soso sad that I can't be there. I'm there in spirit though! Congrats, chica. ;)

It's rainy and cold today so I'm about to have my first cup of cocoa for the winter, then I plan on being a lazy nerd all day with my cats and crossword puzzles. <3

is any one else having trouble with facebook?? :(

toby threw-up twice today. it was scary because she howled before she hurled... though at least the second time i knew to take her off the couch. gross. i'm not sure what's wrong. she seemed fine. :/

Tags: i love my cat

i know i should be thankful.
i'm thankful i'm alive and that i do have a place to stay and sleep and eat and shower.
i'm thankful for good friends and good times.
i'm thankful for my wonderful pets who always amuse me.
i'm thankful for clothes on my back even if i'd rather be naked at times.
and for all the special things like tv and computer and so on.

today wasn't that great though. albeit my own fault. i'm pretty depressed and i have a migrane which is weaker now but shit the computer screen is burning my pupils. i'm sad, especially about a few things at the moment... :/ but i am glad for what i have and i hope everyone else had a much better day than i did.

I got to see sdx yesterday for about nine hours! He introduced me to some amazingly delicious stir fry at Firebowl. Then we hopped right over to the Arbor to see Precious. I enjoyed it so much. It was heart wrenching and tough to watch at times, but so beautiful.

( Pictures )

oh man, this is my new top favorite compilation. and i have seen a very many. great vid + song. a++

Tags: balls, this is my porn

I had a dream about untoward, the Joey Comeau, earlier today. (the genius behind asofterworld.com if you're dumb) He had called me and we were having this great phone conversation, though the connection was bad and we kept having to call each other back. I was so happy and I wouldn't shut up. He just kept laughing at me. Then he said he'd been wanting to send me this care package. (of course I said something like "OH EM GEE I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR HOT PACKAGE JOEY!") He was everything I had always thought he'd be. Except the voice wasn't his. His real voice is handsome and kind of awkward. Though in my dream it was dude-bro sounding. Still. It was awesome. He told me he'd be sending all sorts of fun things. Random toys. Stickers. Random old B-movies. And then he said that he'd just finished writing a book. I was really excited and told him I COULDN'T wait to buy it and then he said "well, you won't have to, i'm sending you the first copy!" Oh man. I was so happy. We talked about other things and I gave him my address and I think he said something about flying out, but then I convinced him that taking his skateboard would be cooler. I am not sure why. It was a good dream.

i'm having a really weird day.

ps- starting tomorrow i'll be all alone for a few days , so you stalkers can have at it.

will you listen to me?
does ANYONE fucking care anymore?

i hate this fucking trash ass family. i hate the emotional and physical pain i deal with EVERY MINUTE of EVERY SINGLE DAY.

no one even gives me an ounce of sympathy. NO ONE.

i hate my fucking bobble-head, religion agenda-pusher of a mom. i hate my fucking completely pathetic excuse for a father. i hate my fucking sick and twisted, probably sociopath of a fucked up older brother. and now i realize how much i hate my fucking little sick perverted twat-brat, heartless, and souless little brother.

i am living in the twilight zone.

how the hell can things be like this?

i am the ONE and ONLY "good person" here, yet, i get no respect and nothing i want or need while everyone else here gets everything their heart desires.

my friends are stupid, immature and fake. none of them have anything worth saying. their problems are petty bullshit. the minute i try and get real with them, they leave.

i don't have a job, haven't had one for a year? because of such severe depression and anxiety. my life has been ruined completely. i've been looking and replying to jobs for months to no avail.

i don't even have a boyfriend anymore, NOT THAT IT'S BEEN MUCH OF A FUCKING DIFFERENCE i have come to learn.

i hate the world and it's getting more difficult for me to find any sort of reason why it's worth living. there's no more hope. every time i stand up, i'm pushed down. every time i reach, my arms break.

i'm tired and i can't sleep.
i'm frustrated but i don't care.
i am beautiful and wonderful person but i am broken.
i have ocd, but everything is a mess.

i feel like i'm going to blow up into a million pieces, which i know won't but i wish i were.

and i can't help but feel stupid and childish and judged for writing this but it's my one place, and god damn you if that's not understandible.

i hate what youtube has become. it is disgusting.

on the other hand, TUBEYOU is pretty awesome.

I just felt like saying a big thank you to those of you on here that read into my stupid life and my stupid thoughts day to day. Thanks for your words of compassion when I need it, and for your stupid silly comments when I want it. This sounds so cheesy and lame. Just thanks. <3

ew, now i feel all mushy.

FUCK YOU YA BASTARDS

This was a picture I had never seen before of Snowflake. It was on my brother's camera, he'd been uploading photos. I miss him a lot right now because it's cold and I used to love going outside on cold nights like this in the driveway to smoke and he'd be sitting on top of the van or under one of the cars. I miss his goofy moves. The way he would drop to the cement and rub his head and back all over the place trying to catch your attention.

I don't remember the exact date or day when he died. I don't want to. It still seems unreal. He should still be here.

The fact that I don't smoke anymore AND he's gone just really hit me tonight. Needless to say... I am craving a pack of Camels.

My mom just told me that I am right. She admitted she's wrong. She admitted that she's fake and that she lives in a bubble and doesn't accept the world.

She asked me for a second chance. I shook my head no and walked away.

She didn't apologize for the nasty things she's said. She didn't apologize for not ever being there for me. She didn't apologize for saying it was MY fault that I was molested, or that she has stood by my attacker from day one. She hasn't apologized for breaking my trust, for taking what I share with her and then throwing it in my face.

She has never loved me for ME. She has never loved me unconditionally.

This is just another ploy. We've been here before. It's just words. She won't back it up. She'll take it all back in a few days, maybe as soon as tomorrow.

She's never tried to give me one ounce of sympathy for my illness. She has trivialized it in as many ways as possible. She has never apologized for telling me that what I have is nothing, that I am basically a big fat liar.

She has never given me encouragement without some sort of secret motive. Even right now, she's only apologizing to make me apologize.

I have NOTHING to apologize for. My words are true. Everything I have said to her I have meant with all my heart. I have done nothing wrong here. The pain she has caused me is not going to be healed starting with a lame-ass sorry.

She has not apologized for giving up on me. For breaking my heart. For breaking my soul.

She has not apologized, and won't, for being an AWFUL mother. Who the FUCK treats their daughter like a piece of dirt? What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?

I have been through so much therapy to learn and unlearn what she has drilled into me. I AM worth it. I AM wonderful. I AM beautiful. I AM intelligent.

Sorry, Mom. You can't fool me anymore.

Tags: fuck you

Leave me a comment saying "Ice Ice Baby"
From: vie_rire_amour

• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

1. Who are your best friends? I'd say Eric, Jen, Breenah vie_rire_amour and Carl sdx. :)
2. What is your favorite meal? Oh man, anything involving pasta or chicken and veggies.
3. What is your favorite Family Guy episode? That's a tough one! So I pick three. I really like when Peter turns gay, when Stewie kills Louis, and when everyone meets Chris' evil monkey.
4. Where do you want to live when you settle down? I'd love to stay around Austin after traveling.
5. How do you like your coffee/tea/preferred hot drink? I like my coffee strong, my tea with healing powers, and my coco with 6 mini-marshmellows. mmmm.

so pissed off. i had this great job lined up but they just e-mailed me and said i am an hour away. what? to dripping springs? look lady, if i can get from 620/lakecreek to manchaca in 15 minutes, i can get to dripping springs in no more than 30. ridic.

and what does it matter if i can get there on time? stoopid.

Jack C. Horner Jr. 's new business of milk manufacturing and distribution ultimately failed, as profits were only 2%...
4 hours ago · Comment · Like / Unlike

Kimberly Kurachi Sounds like an udder disaster!
Darlene Hinton Bane Mooving right along...
Tom Ruzin was somebody skimming the profits ?
Tom Ruzin i guess ultimately it was a cheeseball idea ...
Jack C. Horner Jr. Tom - that was pretty much it, as a Whole...
Michael Strong I'm joining too late to compete. I'd get creamed.
Becky Matthews Montoya You need a little cowbell?!
Jack C. Horner Jr. Not a little - MORE cowbell...
Kelli Tomes Horner let's milk this topic for all it's worth!
Melissa Billingham your plan has been spoiled...
Melissa Billingham this milk maid me smile
Tom Ruzin maybe your business plan was too pint-sized ...

*edit* comments keep coming...
Melissa Billingham maybe you shouldn't have been drinking by the gallon...
Tom Ruzin problem was -- it wasn't a bull it proof plan
Tom Ruzin sometimes you just have to take things by the horns ....
Melissa Billingham i'll take that 2% in my coffee
Tom Ruzin could it be that you just aren't cultured enough ?
Bob Kennedy hmmm, I'm only agreeing half and half not so much...think you could've come up with a butter business plan...
Tom Ruzin can't you just admit that the competition just CREAMED you ?
Tom Ruzin hope your creditors don't take you to quart and sue you
Terry Tomes Well there's no sense in cryin' over spilt milk now, you need to churn up the processes.

*edit number 2*
Tom Ruzinguess we could say that Jack got his dairyerre kicked once more in the business world
Tom Ruzinok -- this is my last one----- maybe you weren't aggressive enough--- you know , too milquetoast ...
Melissa Billingham guess the cows just didn't come home...
Jack C. Horner Jr. I think the business plan just went sour...

*edit number 3*
Tom Ruzinok -- i lied ---problem was-- you were trying to bring home the bacon while working with cows
Melissa Billingham time for a new milk man
Tom Ruzin i just can't help myself------ DON'T HAVE A COW MAN !!!!
Melissa Billingham calm down- you're mad-cowing on me
Tom Ruzini figured out my problem-- too much calf feine in my coffee
Melissa Billingham there's always an udder day
Melissa Billingham maybe you figured the math wrong with your COWculator
Melissa Billingham you've been milked dry... (i think i'm done)

Tags: facebook lolz

i really need someone to talk to right now :(

wow. i really don't think i approve of my lil brothers video games where you can be a terrorist and kill random innocent people in an airport and him saying things like "jew strike" and "jew copter". wtf.

I've become addicted to this new chapstik. I have to have it CONSTANTLY. I put it on so much that layers of my bottem lip are coming off. MMMMM OCD WANNA MAKE OUT?


My betta Babu isn't eating...... I don't think I can manage losing him right now... :(


I love the rain.